An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a ‘Thanks for flying our airline.’ He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, ‘Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?’
‘Why, no, Ma’am,’ said the pilot. ‘What is it?’
The little old lady said, ‘Did we land, or were we shot down?’

A bloke’s wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast. He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge said: “Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news.”

“Well,” says the bloke, “You’d better let me have it both barrels, what’s the bad news?”

The Sarge said, “I’m really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bruce here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.”

The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of a turn.
After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was.

The Sarge said, “Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of edible crabs in and around her swimsuit,
so we’ve brought you your share.” And he handed the bloke a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

“Gee thanks,” said the man. “They’re bloody beaut… I guess it’s an ill wind and all that. Now, what’s the really good news?”

“Well”, the Sarge said, “Me and young Bruce here get off duty at around 11 o’clock and we’re gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!…

You fancy comin’ along?

Tags : hloiday, policeman, wife

One day a man was sitting in his office on the 19th floor of a building. A man came running into his office and shouted, “John, your daughter,
Anna just died in an accident right opposite this building”
The gentleman was in panic. Not knowing what to do, he jumped out through his office window. While coming down, when he was near the 14th floor he remembered he didn’t have a daughter named Anna. When he was near the 7th floor, he remembered he was not married yet.

When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not John.

Tags : Building, Death, man

A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car’s tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, “What are you doing?” The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said… “HEL-LOOOOOOOO …You gotta roll up the windows!!!

Joe spent the evening tossing down a number of beers at the local bar. It was after 11 o’clock when he finally staggered out into the cold and rainy night in an attempt to find his way home. With the weather as bad as it was, he soon became lost, and found himself wandering through the town cemetery.
He slipped while walking and fell headlong into a freshly dug grave. In his condition, the rain and mud proved too much to handle, and he couldn’t manage to climb out.
“Help!” he cried out. “Help! I’m so cold!”
A little while later, another overindulged inebriant left the bar. As luck would have it, the second man was nearby when he heard Joe cry. “Help, I’m so cold!” Joe continued to call.
The other man staggered in the direction of the voice. It got louder and louder as he neared the cemetery. “Help! I’m cold! Help! I’m cold!”
The second man followed the voice and approached the grave. As he peered over the side, Joe looked up and yelled one more time, “Help! I’m cold!”
“Of course you’re cold, replied the second drunk, peering down.
“You’ve kicked off all your dirt

Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said: ‘Paddy will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in the future.’

‘Why?’ Paddy asked.

‘Because’ said Mick ‘all the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday’

Paddy said. ‘Silly buggers ! – the laugh’s on them. I wasn’t home yesterday. !!’

A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?”

The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand 15 feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer and asking the question until she hears you.”

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands 15 feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?” He gets no response, so he moves to 10 feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet–still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”

Tags : Doctor, wife

Little Boy: Daddy, is God a boy or a girl?
Dad: He is both son.
Little Boy: Daddy, is God black or white?
Dad: God is both son. Read the rest of this entry »»

Tags : girl, God

Recession Jokes

The recession might be bad, but this won’t stop us from having some laughs

Whats the difference between a wall street trader and a pigeon? A pigeon can still lay a deposit on a BMW.

Q: What’s the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: With the current market turmoil, what’s the easiest way to make a small fortune?
A: Start off with a large one.

Q: Why have real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
A: Because otherwise they’d have nothing to do in the afternoon.

Quote of the day (from a trader): “This is worse than a divorce. I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.”

A director decided to award a prize of $1,000 for the best idea for saving the company money during the recession. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to $ 100.

A concerned customer asked his stock broker if the recent market decline and volitility worried him.
The broker told him that he has been sleeping like a baby.

“Really?!?” replied the customer.
“Absolutely,” said the broker, “I sleep for about an hour, wake up, and then cry for about an hour.”