Funny Clean Jokes

One night, a father passed by his son’s room and heard his son praying: “God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa.” The father didn’t quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: “God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.”

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son’s door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: “God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy.”

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor’s early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, “Thank God you’re here — we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!”

Tags: Death Jokes by maxy
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We have women in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines. They
don’t know if we can fight, if we can kill.

I think we can. All the general has to do is
walk over to the women and say, “You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.”

Tags: Women Jokes by maxy
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Marine Corps General Reinwaldwas interviewed on the radio the other day and you’ll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible isn’t it?

GENERAL REIN WALD: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?

Tags: Military Jokes by maxy
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A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.

“Where does poo come from?” she asks.

The father, feeling a little anxious that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions, thinks for a moment and says:

“Well you know we just ate breakfast?”

“Yes,” answers the girl.

“Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bottom when we go to the toilet, and that is poo.”

The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks…

“And Tigger?”

Tags: Kids Jokes by maxy
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An airline captain was breaking in a new blond stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn’t get out of her room. “You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

The stewardess replied: “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

Tags: Blond Jokes by maxy
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Why the sun lightens our hair but darkens our skin ?

Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections ?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Tags: Uncategorized by maxy
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Grampa and Billy were working out in the garden.

Grampa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground.

“You’ll never get that worm back in his hole,” said the old man.

Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch.

After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth.

“Billy! You’re a genius,” exclaimed grampa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside.

Thirty minutes later, grampa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar.

“Grampa,” said the boy, “You already gave me a dollar.”

“No,” replied grampa, “That dollar’s from grandma!”

Tags: Old Age Jokes by maxy
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An elderly couple was watching a show where a preacher was talking about the healing powers of God.

“To all of those who are ailed by some sickness, place your hand on the screen & I will heal you!” the preacher exclaimed.

The old lady, who was having some stomach problems, placed her hand on the top of the T.V.

The old man placed his hand on the T.V. also, then stuck his hand deep into his pants.

His wife looks over at him and says, “Gordon, the preacher is talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead!”

Tags: Old Age Jokes by maxy
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Woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. ‘What’s the matter, dear?’ she whispers as she steps into the room, ‘Why are you down here at this time of night?’

The husband looks up from his coffee, ‘I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?’ he asks solemnly.

The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. ‘Yes, I do’ she replies.

The husband pauses.

The words were not coming easily. ‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?’ ‘Yes, I remember,’ said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. ‘Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?’ ‘I remember that, too’ she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… ‘I would have got out today.

Tags: Marriage Jokes by maxy
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In the hospital, where their family member lay gravely ill, the relatives gathered in the waiting room.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

‘I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,’ he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

‘The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It’s an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.’

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, ‘Well, how much does a brain cost?’

The doctor quickly responded, ‘$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.’

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

‘Why is the male brain so much more?’
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, ‘It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve actually been used.’

Tags: Women Jokes by maxy
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