An English teacher, troubled by the unwillingness of boys in her class to take any
interest in composition, attempted to arouse them by asking for a description
of a baseball game. It was a fortunate idea for most of the boys were eager to
tell what they knew about the sport.
Only one lanky fellow disappointed the teacher’s hopes. He chewed on his pencil for a few
moments before he scratched a few words and turned in his paper. On the paper he
wrote …”Rain. No Game”
A drunk walks into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walks over to her and kisses her. She jumps up and slaps him hard.
He immediately apologizes and explains, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screams.
“Funny,” he mutters, “you sound exactly like her also.
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator,” he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. “Never mind,” he said with a hiccup, “I got in the back seat by mistake.”
Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they’re airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, ‘Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons.’
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, ‘Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges.’
After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, ‘ Master Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marine Corps, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.
A dietitian was addressing a large audience in Chicago: “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous to some and none of us realize the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, “Wedding cake
Worried patient: ‘Doctor, I’m very worried. I’m still suffering from exhaustion and fatigue when I come home from work every evening.’
Doctor: ‘Oh, that’s nothing to worry about. Just have a few drinks before your dinner - that will soon wake you up.’
Patient: ‘Thanks very much, doctor! But when I consulted you before, you told me to cut out drinking alcohol completely.’
Doctor: ‘Yes, so I did. But that was last week, old chap - and medical science has progressed enormously since then.’
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new
position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, ‘Yes, General, I’ll be seeing him this afternoon and I’ll
pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.’ Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man,
he asked, ‘What do you want?’ ‘Nothing important, sir,’ the airman replied, ‘I’m just here to hook up your telephone.’
A 98 year old man and a 95 year old woman went to a lawyer to get a divorce.”How long have you been married?” he asked. “75 rough and rocky years,” they said. “Then, why have you waited so long to file for divorce?” They replied, “We had to wait for the kids to die!
Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.
The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
A “good” landing is one from which you can walk away. A “great” landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.
Helicopters can’t fly: they’re just so ugly the earth repels them.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.” The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.