Do you have change for Dollar ?
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,” says the Coroner.
“Second body: “Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”
The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?”
“Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from West Virginia, 30, struck by lightning.”
“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.
“He thought he was having his picture taken.”
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
“What does it look like?” she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, It’s square and it has your picture on it.”
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
“Here it is,” she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, ” Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop
At school one day a teacher asks her students to create a sentence with the words liver and cheese: *The White kid says: “My mom made me a liver and cheese sandwich and it was sooo good.” *The Black kid says: “My daddy told my momma to go get the Government cheese and she didn’t, so my daddy punched her in the liver.” *The Mexican kid says: “Some kids were trying to look under my sister’s dress and I told the cabrones, “Hey Putos!!! liver alone, cheese my sister!”
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy
asking what time the bar opens.
“It opens at noon” answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy,
sounding even drunker.
“What time does the bar open?” he asks.
“Same time as before… Noon.” replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered “Whatjoo
shay the bar opins at?”
The clerk then answers, “It opens at noon, but if you can’t
wait, I can have room service send something up to you.”
“No… I don’t wanna git in… Ah wanna git OUT!!
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs.Jones, do you know me?”
he responded, “Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve know you since you were a young boy,and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. ”
The Lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones. do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said,
“If either of you asks her if she knows me, I’ll throw you in jail for contempt
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed a young girl standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.
She had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the her, and said quietly, “Good morning.” “Good morning Pastor,” she replied, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this?” she asked the pastor. The pastor said, “Well, it’s a memorial to all the other young men and women who have died in the service.”
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, her voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, “Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45″
A man comes running to the doctor shouting & screaming
in pain “Please
doctor you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a
bee.”
DOCTOR: “Don’t worry; I’ll put some cream on it.”
MAN: “You will never find that bee. It must be miles
away by now.”
DOCTOR: “No you don’t understand! I’ll put some cream
on the place you were stung.”
MAN: “Oh! it happened in the garden where I was
sitting under a tree”
DOCTOR (in anger): “No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which
part of your body did that bee sting.”
MAN (still screaming in pain): “On my finger! The bee
stung me on my finger and it really hurts”
DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting):
“Which one?”
MAN (innocently): “How am I to know? All bees look the
same to me.”
A woman wakes up on Feb. 14th and tells her husband, “I just dreamed that
you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentines Day. What do you think it
means??”
“You’ll know tonight” he says.
That evening, the man comes home with a small package and gives it to his
wife.
Delighted, she opens it and finds..
. a book titled “The Meaning of Dreams”