A drunk walks into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walks over to her and kisses her. She jumps up and slaps him hard.
He immediately apologizes and explains, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screams.
“Funny,” he mutters, “you sound exactly like her also.
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator,” he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. “Never mind,” he said with a hiccup, “I got in the back seat by mistake.”
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy
asking what time the bar opens.
“It opens at noon” answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy,
sounding even drunker.
“What time does the bar open?” he asks.
“Same time as before… Noon.” replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered “Whatjoo
shay the bar opins at?”
The clerk then answers, “It opens at noon, but if you can’t
wait, I can have room service send something up to you.”
“No… I don’t wanna git in… Ah wanna git OUT!!