Funny Clean Jokes

A dietitian was addressing a large audience in Chicago: “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous to some and none of us realize the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, “Wedding cake

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A woman wakes up on Feb. 14th and tells her husband,  “I just dreamed that
you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentines Day.  What do you think it
means??”

“You’ll know tonight”  he says.
That evening, the man comes home with a small package and gives it to his
wife.
Delighted,  she opens it and finds..

. a book titled “The Meaning of Dreams”

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George walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, George started to leave.
“S’cuse me”, said a customer, who was puzzled over what George had done, “what was that all about?”
“Nothin’, said George, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!”

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where d man’s face was severely burned. The doctor said that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body as he was too skinny. so his wife decided to donate some of her own skin as her tissue was a perfect match.
However the only skin on her body that was suitable was on her buttocks! So the couple decided that they would not tell anybody abt this and also asked the doctor to keep it a secret.
After the surgery everybody was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than ever before and his friends and relatives went on and on about his good looks.
One day, when he was alone with his wife, emotion overcame him for his wife’s sacrifice and so he said “Dear, I just want to thank u 4 everything u did for me. How can I possibly repay u?”
“My darling”, she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see ur mother kiss u on the cheek!”

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Woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. ‘What’s the matter, dear?’ she whispers as she steps into the room, ‘Why are you down here at this time of night?’

The husband looks up from his coffee, ‘I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?’ he asks solemnly.

The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. ‘Yes, I do’ she replies.

The husband pauses.

The words were not coming easily. ‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?’ ‘Yes, I remember,’ said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. ‘Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?’ ‘I remember that, too’ she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… ‘I would have got out today.

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