Funny Clean Jokes

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they’re airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, ‘Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons.’

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, ‘Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges.’

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, ‘ Master Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marine Corps, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.

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Having just moved into his new office, a pompous new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new

position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, ‘Yes, General, I’ll be seeing him this afternoon and I’ll

pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.’ Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man,

he asked, ‘What do you want?’ ‘Nothing important, sir,’ the airman replied, ‘I’m just here to hook up your telephone.’

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Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

A “good” landing is one from which you can walk away. A “great” landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.

Helicopters can’t fly: they’re just so ugly the earth repels them.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.

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Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!

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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed a young girl standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

She had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the her, and said quietly, “Good morning.” “Good morning Pastor,” she replied, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this?” she asked the pastor. The pastor said, “Well, it’s a memorial to all the other young men and women who have died in the service.”

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, her voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, “Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45″

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Marine Corps General Reinwaldwas interviewed on the radio the other day and you’ll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible isn’t it?

GENERAL REIN WALD: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?

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