As an old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him,
“Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!”
“It’s not just one car,” said Herman, “It’s hundreds of them!”
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs.Jones, do you know me?”
he responded, “Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve know you since you were a young boy,and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. ”
The Lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones. do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said,
“If either of you asks her if she knows me, I’ll throw you in jail for contempt
A man is taking his new car out for a spin on the town. While sitting patiently for a red light to change, an old man on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the car and says, “That is a nice car, son. Can I take a look inside?”
“Sure” replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, alright!”
Just then the light changes. The guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. So he floors it and takes off. A few seconds later, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that’s quickly getting closer!
Whoooooooshhhhhhh kablaaaaammm!
It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The guy jumps out, and finds none other than the old man and his moped, and both are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and says, “You’re hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man replies, “Yeah, unhook my braces from your side-view mirror!
Grampa and Billy were working out in the garden.
Grampa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground.
“You’ll never get that worm back in his hole,” said the old man.
Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch.
After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth.
“Billy! You’re a genius,” exclaimed grampa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside.
Thirty minutes later, grampa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar.
“Grampa,” said the boy, “You already gave me a dollar.”
“No,” replied grampa, “That dollar’s from grandma!”
An elderly couple was watching a show where a preacher was talking about the healing powers of God.
“To all of those who are ailed by some sickness, place your hand on the screen & I will heal you!” the preacher exclaimed.
The old lady, who was having some stomach problems, placed her hand on the top of the T.V.
The old man placed his hand on the T.V. also, then stuck his hand deep into his pants.
His wife looks over at him and says, “Gordon, the preacher is talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead!”
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22″ was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”