Archive for the ‘Wife Jokes’ Category

A bloke’s wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast. He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge said: “Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news.”

“Well,” says the bloke, “You’d better let me have it both barrels, what’s the bad news?”

The Sarge said, “I’m really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bruce here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.”

The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of a turn.
After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was.

The Sarge said, “Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of edible crabs in and around her swimsuit,
so we’ve brought you your share.” And he handed the bloke a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

“Gee thanks,” said the man. “They’re bloody beaut… I guess it’s an ill wind and all that. Now, what’s the really good news?”

“Well”, the Sarge said, “Me and young Bruce here get off duty at around 11 o’clock and we’re gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!…

You fancy comin’ along?

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A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?”

The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand 15 feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer and asking the question until she hears you.”

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands 15 feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?” He gets no response, so he moves to 10 feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet–still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”

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She: My husband never shouts at me…
She: He never says rough words…
She: he never uses his computer…
She: he also never cheats on me and never goes to bars…
She: Isn’t he sweet?..
He: hmmm…
He: Are you sure he’s still alive?.
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