Funny Clean Jokes

Slow down or stop

maxy — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 06:23:34 +0000

A guy blows a stop sign and gets caught by a policeman.
Cop says, “License and registration please.”
Guy says, “What for?”
Cop says, “You didn\’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
Guy says,”I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Cop says,”You still didn\’t come to a complete stop, license and registration, please.”
Guy says, “What\’s the difference?”
Cop says, “The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, PLEASE!”
Guy says, “If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I\’ll give you my license and registration.”
Cop says, “Exit your vehicle sir.”

At this point, the cop takes out his Billy club and starts beating the daylights out of the guy and says, “Do you want me to slow down or stop?”

Drowning

maxy — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 06:09:47 +0000

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, “Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?”
The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, “I’m drowning, you moron!”

Frog

maxy — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 06:06:29 +0000

TEACHER :Name an animal which lives both in water & on land
STUDENT :Simple ‘Frog’
TEACHER :Good, now name 4 other animals
STUDENT :Simple “Frog’s mother, Frog’s father, Frog’s sister and Frog’s brother

Wrong Way

maxy — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 06:03:39 +0000

As an old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him,
“Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!”
“It’s not just one car,” said Herman, “It’s hundreds of them!”

Getting into heaven

maxy — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 05:54:57 +0000

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn’t REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?” Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, “about 1,500.” “That’s right! You may enter.”

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. “Name them.”

Educated Man and Blonde

maxy — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 05:49:39 +0000

An educated man was on a flight, beside him was a blonde
the blonde looks over and sees that the man was busy with two laptops and 3 mobile phones.
so the blonde leans over and says “boy, you really must be smart with all those gadgets”
the man answers “yes i am, i own one of the biggest company in the world”

so the man, feeling a bit superior challenges the blonde and says “lets play a game, i ask a question if you cant answer it ill give you $20 then you ask a question if i cant answer it ill give you $100″ the blonde agrees.

the man asked “what is the 3rd planet in our solar system?”
the blonde thinks hard for a couple of minutes and handes over $20
the says “ok its my turn, what do you call a rock with feathers, lives on top of mount everest and has five eyes”
the man pauses and thinks very hard, he logs on to the internet with his two laptops to find the answer, he then calls with his 3 mobile phones and ask’s his scientist’s for the answer then after 3 hours he hands over a crisp $100 bill and he asks the blonde “so whats the answer?” the blonde hands him $20

First Class

maxy — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 05:41:48 +0000

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class
gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The
flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy
and that she will have to go and sit in the back. The blonde
replies “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Melbourne and
I’m staying right here!”

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some
blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and
won’t move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the blonde
and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she
is only entitled to an economy place and she will have to leave
and return to her original seat. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde,
I’m beautiful, I’m going to Melbourne and I’m staying right here!”

Exasperated the copilot tells the pilot that it was no use and
that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to
arrest this blonde woman that won’t listen to reason. The pilot
says, “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a
blonde, and I speak blonde!” He goes back to the blonde, whispers
in her ear, and she says “Oh, I’m sorry - I had no idea” gets up
and moves back to her seat in the economy section. The flight
attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to
make her move without any fuss.

The Pilot replied “I told her First Class isn’t going to Melbourne”

Baseball Game

maxy — Tue, 13 May 2008 23:22:38 +0000

An English teacher, troubled by the unwillingness of boys in her class to take any
interest in composition, attempted to arouse them by asking for a description
of a baseball game. It was a fortunate idea for most of the boys were eager to
tell what they knew about the sport.

Only one lanky fellow disappointed the teacher’s hopes. He chewed on his pencil for a few
moments before he scratched a few words and turned in his paper. On the paper he
wrote …”Rain. No Game”

Kissed Wrongly

maxy — Tue, 13 May 2008 23:05:45 +0000

A drunk walks into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walks over to her and kisses her. She jumps up and slaps him hard.

He immediately apologizes and explains, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screams.

“Funny,” he mutters, “you sound exactly like her also.

Stole my Car

maxy — Tue, 13 May 2008 23:03:07 +0000

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator,” he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. “Never mind,” he said with a hiccup, “I got in the back seat by mistake.”