A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the  door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,  standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

‘Not a chance,’ says the husband, ‘it is 3:00 in the morning!’ He slams the door and returns to bed.

‘Who was that?’ asked his wife.

‘Just some drunk guy asking for a push,’ he answers.

‘Did you help him?’ she asks.

‘No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!’  ‘Well, you have a short memory,’ says his wife.

‘Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!’

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, ‘Hello, are you still there?’  ‘Yes,’ comes back the answer.

‘Do you still need a push?’ calls out the husband.  ‘Yes, please!’ comes the reply from the dark.

‘Where are you?’ asks the husband.

‘Over here on the swings’

Tags : drunk, rain

A drunk walks into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walks over to her and kisses her. She jumps up and slaps him hard.

He immediately apologizes and explains, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screams.

“Funny,” he mutters, “you sound exactly like her also.

Tags : drunk, kiss, wife

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator,” he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. “Never mind,” he said with a hiccup, “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

Tags : car, drunk, policeman