A bloke’s wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast. He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge said: “Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news.”

“Well,” says the bloke, “You’d better let me have it both barrels, what’s the bad news?”

The Sarge said, “I’m really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bruce here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.”

The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of a turn.
After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was.

The Sarge said, “Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of edible crabs in and around her swimsuit,
so we’ve brought you your share.” And he handed the bloke a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

“Gee thanks,” said the man. “They’re bloody beaut… I guess it’s an ill wind and all that. Now, what’s the really good news?”

“Well”, the Sarge said, “Me and young Bruce here get off duty at around 11 o’clock and we’re gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!…

You fancy comin’ along?

Tags : hloiday, policeman, wife

A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?”

The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand 15 feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer and asking the question until she hears you.”

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands 15 feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?” He gets no response, so he moves to 10 feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet–still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”

Tags : Doctor, wife

As an old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him,
“Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!”
“It’s not just one car,” said Herman, “It’s hundreds of them!”

Tags : Driving, phone, wife

A drunk walks into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walks over to her and kisses her. She jumps up and slaps him hard.

He immediately apologizes and explains, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screams.

“Funny,” he mutters, “you sound exactly like her also.

Tags : drunk, kiss, wife

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.” The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.

Tags : old age, wife

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me

Tags : divorce, judge, wife

George walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, George started to leave.
“S’cuse me”, said a customer, who was puzzled over what George had done, “what was that all about?”
“Nothin’, said George, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!”

Tags : bar, wife

A married couple was in a terrible accident where d man’s face was severely burned. The doctor said that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body as he was too skinny. so his wife decided to donate some of her own skin as her tissue was a perfect match.
However the only skin on her body that was suitable was on her buttocks! So the couple decided that they would not tell anybody abt this and also asked the doctor to keep it a secret.
After the surgery everybody was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than ever before and his friends and relatives went on and on about his good looks.
One day, when he was alone with his wife, emotion overcame him for his wife’s sacrifice and so he said “Dear, I just want to thank u 4 everything u did for me. How can I possibly repay u?”
“My darling”, she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see ur mother kiss u on the cheek!”

Tags : kiss, mother, wife