As an old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him,
“Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!”
“It’s not just one car,” said Herman, “It’s hundreds of them!”
A drunk walks into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walks over to her and kisses her. She jumps up and slaps him hard.
He immediately apologizes and explains, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screams.
“Funny,” he mutters, “you sound exactly like her also.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.” The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me
George walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, George started to leave.
“S’cuse me”, said a customer, who was puzzled over what George had done, “what was that all about?”
“Nothin’, said George, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!”
A married couple was in a terrible accident where d man’s face was severely burned. The doctor said that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body as he was too skinny. so his wife decided to donate some of her own skin as her tissue was a perfect match.
However the only skin on her body that was suitable was on her buttocks! So the couple decided that they would not tell anybody abt this and also asked the doctor to keep it a secret.
After the surgery everybody was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than ever before and his friends and relatives went on and on about his good looks.
One day, when he was alone with his wife, emotion overcame him for his wife’s sacrifice and so he said “Dear, I just want to thank u 4 everything u did for me. How can I possibly repay u?”
“My darling”, she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see ur mother kiss u on the cheek!”